FROM THE DESK OF...
Depression and Anxiety Diary
Posted by Eamonn Marra On the 11th April 2014
Hello everyone, my upcoming comedy show ‘Man on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown’ is broadly about anxiety, but more specifically it is about me. So here is a diary tracking my anxiety and depression over a month long period that my doctor once told me to write.
Day 1. Bought two litres of ice cream and ate it all in one sitting. Not sure if depressed or just really love ice cream.
Day 2. Realised its been two weeks since I last masturbated, I thought I haven’t been too depressed but maybe I have.
Day 3. Went through all my Facebook friends to see which ones I had relationship potential with. Didn’t find any.
Day 4. Drank three Red Bulls. I won’t sleep tonight. I’m not sure if this counts as self-harm.
Day 5. Didn’t leave the house today, not sure if anxious or just cold.
Day 6. Was meant to meet with friend at 12.30, was scared of leaving the house so kept on putting it off until I would be late unless I ran there (I have anxiety about being anywhere late), I ran there started sweating, became anxious of being visibly sweating, stopped running, kept sweating, arrived late, friend asked ‘did you run here?’
Day 7. Played Bejewelled Blitz for three hours straight, possibly addicted, should I seek help?
Day 8. Ate porridge for dinner, I wasn’t sad about it, but I feel like I should have been.
Day 9. I might have had panic attack in supermarket, but might have actually been dying (check with doctor).
Day 10. Felt anxious while out so bought $5 of lollies from Nic Nacs and ate them all while walking home. Reminder: check with WINZ if can claim subsidy for lollies on disability allowance if I can prove they help with anxiety.
Day 11. Tried to masturbate but internet only works in certain parts of my bed and I couldn’t get comfortable in the position required. Had a nap instead.
Day 12. I cleaned my room today, it felt really good. I’m enjoying sitting in a clean room, maybe I wasn’t depressed but just messy.
Day 13. Stayed on the internet until 4am because every time I thought of turning off the computer and going to sleep I got anxious.
Day 14. Read short story by David Foster Wallace, was unsure if he was being sincere or if he was using a ‘sincere author’ plot device to manipulate the reader. This made me very upset and I couldn’t stop thinking about it so forced myself to have nap.
Day 15. Got incredibly angry at flatmate for using all the space on the washing line when I wanted to do washing. Did not say anything but made sure to be mean to her for the rest of the day.
Day 16. I got in an argument on reddit with a libertarian. They said I don’t understand libertarianism but I do; I just don’t believe a society completely based on very narrow minded competition where selfishness is seen as a positive attribute can ever be a good thing. Also libertarianism assumes human beings are rational creatures that weigh up the positives and negatives from every situation and are not easily manipulated, which we are not. I don’t remember what this has to do with anxiety or depression anymore but it seemed important when I started writing this entry.
Day 17. Did some self-loathing about being pretentious, would still rather be pretentious than just like everyone else.
Day 18. Slept all day.
Day 19. Looked through all my ‘enemies’ on OKcupid, none of them seemed that bad, maybe I’m the bad one.
Day 20. Didn’t go to friends party because I kept putting off leaving the house until it was midnight and I went to bed where I stayed on the internet until 3am.
Day 21. Remembered when I kissed a girl whose breath smelt like milk. Drank a cup of milk and tried to smell my own breath by breathing into hands. Felt sick.
Day 22. Talked to cute checkout operator called Matilda, looked up all Matildas in Wellington on facebook. I didn’t find her.
Day 23. Found lump on back of head, possibly cancer, picked at it until it went away. Reminder: wash hair.
Day 24. Forgot to go to pharmacy to pick up medication. Feel like an idiot. Also suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
Day 25. Went to apply for a job but got sudden twang of low self esteem at last minute and didn’t send in my application.
Day 26. Looked at the wikipedia pages for people younger than me who are more successful than I will ever be.
Day 27. Had a crises about vegetarianism, unsure if I don’t eat meat because I’m a vegetarian or if I’m a vegetarian because I don’t eat meat. Ate meat, felt gross.
Day 28. Did not leave the house because I didn’t want to miss seeing how many likes my Facebook status got.
Day 29. Had a racist thought, hated myself for the rest of the day.
Day 30. Terrified by the prospect that there is a possibility that in my life I will never have a pet dog.
Day 31. I went to the doctor and she told me to create a diary tracking my depression and anxiety over a month period. Instead of doing this I wrote some dumb jokes. Not sure if I even want to get better.