FROM THE DESK OF...
From The Desk Of Vance Fontaine
Posted by Vance Fontaine On the 7th May 2013
With The Vance's show just moments away it is important to reflect on the importance of male grooming.
Because after music and the making of love, male grooming is what The Vance does best. Good grooming is what separates us from the apes, in addition to a 4% DNA differential. Good grooming is what shows the ladies (and the men, and the lady men) that you care.
And good grooming starts from within. Medical science will have us believe that our bodies are full of beneficial bacteria - Vance Fontaine disputes the benefit of any bacteria. They're just messy. So The Vance kills them by consuming a solution of at least 30% alcohol. Chartreuse based cocktails are the best way of achieving this and have the added benefit of a truly medicinal taste.
With internal beauty under control it's time to begin manscaping. Manscaping is the process by which man truly ascends to the status of God. By manscaping oneself you prove that you are truly master over nature. The hairs that have been placed about your body are yours to control. Shape them, sculpt them, bend them to,your will.
The Vance finds that there is no substitute for visually arresting sideburns. They worked for Elvis, they worked for William Shatner. Well groomed sideburns provide enough hair to hint at virility but enough effort at shaping to show control. And what lover doesn't want the powerful combination of virility with control?
Finally the gorgeous man-cake that is you should be topped with hair that says: "Notice me". Do not underestimate the power of the blow-wave. This is not just something for old biddies. Not only does a good, hairspray filled blow wave create a towering pompadour of majesty but it also contributes to that ozone hole.
Who says a man shouldn't have good looking hair as well as the ability to tan all the way through winter.
And finally, nothing says well dressed and well groomed like the perfect accessory, in this case a couple of tickets to "Vance Fontaine for Lovers" one for you and one for that chance encounter that might lead to something special.
You deserve it.
And you're welcome