FROM THE DESK OF...
Posted by Ben Cleland On the 26th March 2014
Ben Cleland here. I'm writing this at two in the morning whilst drinking orange juice mixed with Speight's out of a plastic cup, because I'm a student and that's what we do. Its one of those things that happens to you at university. You become a veritable MacGyver of food and drink, but instead of mixing together a bar of soap, a size 8 shoe and a strand of copper wire to make a bomb, we mix together miscellaneous culinary ingredients to form barely edible facsimiles of food. I apologise for the flowery language, as I am, for my sins, an english major. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, so lets just take the lazy comedian's route out, and talk about my penis. Today I attended a party. It was a costume party and the theme was, “things starting with s”. Not wanting to miss a chance to take the piss, my initial idea was to go shirtless and say that was my costume. However, I changed my mind, thinking that I should provide some context for my shirtessness. And so I attended the party dressed as a stripper.
The problem was that I was wearing tight leather jeans and upon inspecting myself in a mirror, I, well, how do I say this? I thought my bulge wasn't big enough. Remembering an old joke about an Irishman who puts a potato down his swim trunks, and not wanting to disappoint my female fans, I looked about desperately for a piece of produce to enhance the front of my jockeys. I found a banana. I wish I was lying about this. I went downstairs to the party with a banana in my underpants.
I had a great night, but the same could not be said of the banana. Tucked halfway down a pant leg, smushed between the proverbial “rock and a hard place”, the skin first bruised, then split and sweaty mashed banana was unloaded into my unassuming underpants. The movement of my drunken dancing did no favours for the situation, and by the end of the night, my hairy crotch was a mess of slick, sticky banana.
So that's what I got up to tonight.
This festival I'm doing a show with the very funny Jimmy Guan and the always entertaining Julia Holden. It's called Two and a Half (Asian) Men, and its about how Asian people fit into NZ society, but its mostly us comics talking trash about life, love and all that jazz. Come along if you can, it's going to be a better night than tonight was.